The great Harry Potter fanfiction: By Harry, Ron and Hermione
by Ren5819
Summary: After defeating Voldemort, Harry Potter and friends decide to write a fanfiction about themselves. To do so, they must first wade through all the Cliches. Time turner accidents, Mary Sue, inconsistent romances etc. Fanfiction Newt adds to the drama. Parody alert!
1. Angsty arrival at the Burrow

**Chapter 1: Chapter 1**

* * *

After Defeating Voldemort, Harry, Hermione and Ron were chilling in newly remodelled Grimmauld Place. The repairs to the castle was taken over by the teachers and NEWT students. They knew how to do useful magical stuff. Shacklebolt, Tonks and other ministry employees the author is too lazy to create led the reforms at the ministry.

The author doesn't want to create and develop characters because the story doesn't require them as of now. Hermione found her parents, lifted memory charm off them. But they wanted to chill in Australia since England is famously gloomy and cloudy most of the time. Ron's family was working on the burrow. Fred and George were at their shop. Meanwhile Harry hired a magical equivalent of architect to tear down Grimmauld place and rebuild it. Doing so would result in removal of Mrs Black's painting which was permanently attached to the wall.

Stones, wood, bricks and tiles were bought and in no time, Grimmauld Place looked better than ever on the inside. The outer side retained its townhouse appearance. On the inside, one side of the corridor on the first floor now had a tiled open kitchen and large dining area. On the other side there was a large living room with a cozy fireplace and Oakwood floor. The bedrooms, library. A gym to practice duelling was all upstairs. The entire house had warm beige and maroon color scheme.

The author assumes Harry inherited both his parent's and Sirius's vault, plus some reward for finishing voldemort. It had made him the richest nineteen year old. Hence having a nineteen year old such a magnificent place is justifiable. Esp since most nineteen year olds live in a studio which they share with a roommate in real life.

The author is using fanfiction for wish fulfilment here.

Our heroes were sitting at the Mahogany table overlooking the window. Kreacher had covered the table with a white tablecloth. He served them tea and scones because those are only British food items the author knows. Kreacher gets paid now. Hermione is using her fame to push for a law that enables house elf to be paid and allows sick leaves.

"I can't think of anything to do. It keeps raining all the time so Quiddich is out for a while. Exploding snap is for babies. Fred and George are too busy fixing up their shop and developing new merchandise to play with us." Ron counted options they didn't have. Fred is alive because death of a sibling has no place in a parody since there is nothing funny about it. Dobby however is dead. The author has his reasons.

Harry was trying to read Jinxes for the Jinxed and was waving his hand in vague triangular motion while murmuring _surplicio_ and _gellanio_ alternatively. It was causing the dummy he was practicing on to sprout white tentacles from her fingers and get rid of them simultaneously. However, he was, in reality quite bored and was simply jinxing and counter jinxing objects to amuse himself.

"Well I am writing a story about Harry, based on a website called fanfiction dot net " That's right. Hermione had read all the books in Grimmauld Place's small library, knew all the spells Harry was practicing and had nothing better to do.

Her comment caused Ron to get up from chair and move to see what Hermione was talking about. "You mean there are actually stories about us in this box? Cool!". Ron always wanted to be famous. He was now famous. But he still loved the validation.

"Well, this is called Laptop Ronald and the stories are catagorized as works of fiction. I have been browsing through the stories, identified the patterns to ascertain the techniques required to write a fanfiction and decided to write one about Harry Potter to kill some time." Hermione showed Ron the story she was writing.

"Harry Pott.. what?", hearing his name caused Harry to stop jinxing practice for a moment and he decided to join Ron to see what Hermione was up to. Like Ron, Harry too had never used a laptop. The dursleys never bothered to gift him one nor did they allow him to use Dudley's.

Ron and Harry read.

 _Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling. I am Hermione Granger. Who are you?_

 _It was summer. Dursleys had beaten Harry with stones, sticks, ran him over with a tank, called him names and told him his parents were dead. Harry was very angst. He cried like a baby all night but nobody bothered to check on him. Then he heard Hermione at his door. How Harry knew it was Hermione without opening the door was a mystery but he opened the door to confirm his usually correct hypothesis. Hermione held Harry very close and he noted with pleasure she had grown quite a lot over the summer, even though summer vacation has just started but the author doesn't care about logic and would like to move on to describe sexiness of a female body. Hence, Harry felt his best friend's soft breasts press against his body. He couldn't help but notice she was wearing a very short skirt, low cut tank top and strappy heels, even though Hermione never dressed anything like that in canon and it's quite out of character for her._

"What the hell Hermione? Bloody hell! The Durseleys didn't actually do that, did they?" Ron looked at Harry who shook his head. The author hasn't been to England and doesn't know how British English sounds. Hence he will make it up as he goes along.

"I'm sorry Hermione…umm but.. but I don't.. have those kinds of feelings for you", Harry stammered uncomfortably, trying not to look at Hermione's bosoms. The characters were not minors and sexualising their body for parody isn't creepy. The author isn't into minor fantasy but sadly most fanfiction writers **are** minors and don't have any such qualms, in fact most of them don't have _any_ qualms at all. "Nor I for you Harry but it seems to be the trend of fanfiction writers to show Dursleys as over the top abusive, you as hurt and weepy and the female or male romantic interest as a supermodel-like character who will comfort you by lying in bed with you. Usually the stories start by you in summer, angsty about something or other. But it's not important. Most writers don't spend time over what's bothering their characters, proceed simply to describe how they look, what they wear and write a makeout scene before they get to the actual plot, if they have any." Hermione explained to Harry and Ron, the latter was staring open mouthed at her. "umm do we.. have one _interest_ for me?" Ron was imagining getting some good looking girls to go out with him, even if it wasn't a reality. "well using fanfiction to fulfil your unrequited stupid love is another trend, in which your character looks like your crush and speaks like how you dream he/she would speak to you, which is usually dumb, overly cheesy and no-one-talks-like-that style expressions."

"I don't really know how to write on this taplop.." Ron hesitated. The author decided to recycle the fellytone joke from the canon instead of coming up with an original one. The author is lazy sometimes. Also everyone loved that joke at the time.

"Don't worry. Any typos or mistakes will only enhance the story. Don't try too hard to connect your part of the story with what I've written so far. I am sure transitions are strictly optional and are only to be used sparsely in the world of fanfiction. I will get some hot chocolate for us. Ask Harry if you don't understand anything" She left leaving Ron and Harry to their story.

"Right.. so no transition, we can just jump straight to your romantic encounter. How about we have Lavender Brown swing by the Burrow, even though she has never done that before and despite the fact that the Burrow was destroyed in the war?" Harry knew his friend still had a soft spot for the pretty brunette. The author has decided Ron and Hermione don't date and are just friends although they do bicker from time to time because it's convenient to write that way. "I'm going to write and you tell me how you like it" Ron nodded and harry started typing awkwardly.

 _Ron was bored in the Burro, he longed to meet Lavender, wondering if she was thinking about him. He heard a pop outside his window and saw a brown haired girl coming up to the hourse. He didn't want to get up so he yelled at Ginny to get the door. Surprisingly she listened to him because that could only happen in Ronald's dreams. "Hey Lavender, what you doing here?", Ginny sounded very American to Ron but he did't cure. Lav-Lav was here. He was her soul Won-Won! They needed to be Lavwon or Wonlav even thout it would sound astoundingly dumb to most readers…._

"Nobody's going to let me forget those names, are they?" Ron complained loudly but Harry kept going.

" _Well Lavender I was just going to go swimming in pond. Would you like to join? "Ginny paused before continuing slyly. "Perhaps Ronald could come along too". Ron grabbed his trunks and ran to see Lavender changing into bathing suit like she knew this was going to happen and brought one just in case. He watched as she walked to the pool, even thought they were in a house a moment ago and Ginny said pond but who cares about details? Lavender wore bright yellow Halter bikini as she jumped into pool and looked at Ron as if inviting to join her. "Oops! I promised Fred and George, I'd look after their pygmy puffs. You guys have fun swimming", Ginny said conspiringly and ran away. Ron noticed how large Lavender's bosoms were as he jumped in water and swam towards her. She swam away playfully, spraying him with water and displaying her booty to him. Looking at her minimally clothed body was making him hard as.._

"Ok! That's enough! We have written about you and Hermione and me and Lavender so far. May I point out that we have two hot scenes and STILL NO plot whatsoever?", Ron demanded somewhat hotly as Harry guffawed. Harry then stopped guffawing and performed cooling charm on Ron's red face, which made Hermione chuckle as she was bringing three hot chocolates to the table.

"Well, having a plot is strictly optional, Ronald. Most authors forget about their plots and simply start a new one in the middle of their story. We could have one if you like." Harry and Ron nodded. They thought a story full of only making out tales doesn't qualify as a story. "Well, there are several plots that can be used individually or in groups. First don't be constrained by monogamy. It's perfectly okay for characters to see more than one person. It doesn't have to be a person either. I have seen stories about Hogwarts castle and Giant squid, Hagrid and Hedwig etc. Fanfiction authors very open minded and imaginative about who has sex with whom, or as the above cases, who has sex with what. Second, give Harry superpowers. They generally come by ancient magic that no one's ever heard of before in the entire magical universe or through sacrifice of Harry's mother giving him power of.. say the power of dragon, though we know the protection doesn't work that way, superpowers can come through secret spells taught by American wizards or even a Kryptonite. The key factor is all of this is achieved relatively quickly even though it is supposedly previously unknown and generally would require a lot of hard work of many many people. Sky is the limit! Oooh! Or, we could write bashing stories." Hermione explained away enthusiastically, speaking faster than usual as Ron and Harry stuggled to keep pace with her thoughts and gave up. "What's banishing stories? Are they about us banishing Voldemort?" Ron looked genuinely confused. He was thrilled at being famous and was sure a parody written by him about himself would make him even more popular. Author can't understand how writing a fanfiction would make anyone famous but sadly E. L. James continues to exist in the muggle universe.

"Not banishing! Bashing! Surly teenagers like ourselves writing fanfiction love to criticise lot of adult characters for wanting to keep minors out of warzone as much as possible. They write them as overly controlling, over the top screaming creatures that are ultimately defeated before their teenage self characters, whose harebrained schemes that would surely get them killed, somehow work through plethora of ridiculous ex machina. For eg. Molly Bashing stories show Molly as villain for wanting to keep us away from Voldemort or Molly trying to get Ginny and Harry to go out using means that no adult with half a brain would ever use. Dumbledore bashing stories bash Dumbldore for not confiding every single detail of his plan, which he was working on for decades, to kids, esp to the kid who couldn't close his mind to save his life to Voldemort, who was then lurking around in Harry's head back then. Then there is Ginny bashing, Hermione bashing Ron bashing etc.. all show bashed character are as extremely over the top hateful as possible, as if readers won't appreciate rational attacks based on actual shortcomings of the said person's flaw. The writers are often too dumb to understand that in the war, both sides commit atrocities of various kinds and nuanced portrayal of characters can make fantastic writing."

"I don't understand your last part but I was wondering if we could bash Malfoy? He was always mean to us, bullied muggleborns and was overall dislikable?" Harry wondered but Ron interjected, to everyone's surprise.

"No no! I was looking up stories when you were drinking hot chocolates and Malfoy is portrayed as a good guy in most stories. It seems most writers were charmed by some actor who plays him in movies and couldn't bring themselves to write his character as a bully. So they've given him a sob story to justify all his bad deeds, sympathized with him instead of his victims and have him linked mostly to you or Hermione." Ron finished to the open disgust of his two best friends. That's right, in their boredom Harry, Ron and Hermione have read JK's books and binge watched the movies. They complained of being even more bored by them though the author can't understand why.

"WE'RE NOT DOING THAT! Just pick a person to bash, Ron!" Hermione said shrilly, appalled at even the fictional possibility between herself and the boy who made her cry. The author thinks Dramione story can work but the sob story of Draco needs to be firmly controlled and a lot of effort has to go into catharsis of him as a person but author isn't going to develop him here since this is a parody.

"Molly bashing stories are out there and she's easier to bash because she's my mother and I'm used to whining and moaning about her discipline but Hermione should write this since she's better than all of us." Hermione beamed at the unexpected compliment and took over, not noticing Ron manipulated her into taking over because he wanted a break to stuff himself with food while she wrote.

 _Without any transition Molly appeared where Wonlav were grinding against each other like a pair of blood thirsty sharks. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY SON, YOU WHORE!" She screamed as if a pair of overage kids making out with their girlfriends was something unfamiliar to her, the woman who raised seven children. YOU'RE A PEACE KEEPER, STORM TROOPER AND WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST AND A SCARLET WOMAN. "umm.. what are you talking about mother?" Ron was more worried about his mother for her incoherent speech than scared. I MEAN SHE'S A CHEAP SCARLET WOMAN AND NEEDS TO LEAVE MY HOUSE FOREVER AND NEVER COME BACK! IF SHE SO MUCH AS STEPS INTO MY HOUSE, I SHALL HEX HER EARS OFF. Ron looked at his girlfriend's tear-stained eyes and stood up to defend her. He then realized his pants were down and hastily pulled them up looking brave. "NO MOTHER! I love lavender and nothing can stop me from her being my wife!" Looking straight at his mother, he sat down on one nee and said "Lav Lav will you merry me?" Although how he managed to glare at his mother while proposing to his girlfriend is curious. Perhaps he used a magic mirror._

"Well that escalated quickly" Ron pursed his lips dispassionately but backtracked from Hermione's glare at his seeming criticism. "I meant…that's great Mione. You got typos, spelling mistake, strange grammar due to lack of commas and a ridiculous argument with mum in one go! But in last scene Lavender wasn't even my girlfriend, remember? She just dropped by for a visit and Mum wasn't even mentioned."

Hermione chose to ignore him, signifying how writers ignore the voice of reason in exchange for some dumb creativity. "Well that's the best I feel like doing right now. I think we should put this up and write a second chapter tomorrow. I propose a discussion at breakfast about ideas for a second chapter. Harry you're the protagonist even though you've barely appeared so far. You want to give this story a title? Ron and I will do the summary."

"Sure…." Harry thought for a looooong time. "How about Harry Potter and the postwar drama?.. No. that's too obvious. Harry Potter and the self fanfiction? Let's just remove my name altogether… The superpower awaken: magic of the lamb YES! Lets go with this title because my superpowers could originate from Defeating the Hungarian Horntails who feeds on lamb meat!" Overthinking made him choose the silly title that nobody but himself would get, while ignoring the workable titles.

"As good a title as any. Now the summary. We haven't established a plot yet but we can still do this. It mostly comprises of texting language and begging for reviews"

 _Harry Hermione and Ron found themselves surrounded by lambs. What will Molly do to prevent her children from having children? Can Harry be the master of Dragons? I have no answers to these questions but PLZ PLZ PLZ R &R. I promeese the story is good_

"Isn't that a little long? Let me cut it for you." Harry offered.

The summary read.

 _Harry Ron found by lambs. Will Molly do her children? Can Harry be the master of dragons. Lemon and Smut. I have no answers to these questions but PLZ PLZ PLZ R &R. I promeese the story is goo. NOOO FLAMES!_

"There! Now let's put it up and see if there's any review"

Harry, Ron and Hermione shut down Hermione's laptop, levitated it to her room by magic because they didn't want to get up and apparate all the way to second floor and proceeded to eat delicious meal prepared by Kreacher.

A/N: so what do you guys think? Don't forget to leave a review. Also I don't actually know what lemon and smut is. I put it there because…. Fun.

This fic is moderately inspired by an author called Gryffindor777.


	2. Giant squid, an Owl and a Gay Harry

A/N: Sorry after a long hiatus but the author has life commitments. I'm Bringing Harry ron and Hermione back and maybe throwing in a little Newt Scamander or Grindelwald in there because, why not!

"So in this chapter I think we should cover one strange hookup with cliché buildup, an episode of illogical depression, OOC one of us and one of the romantic interest comforting the OOC", Hermione's ambition stemmed from getting no reviews.

Ron and Harry looked at each other and shrugged, "why not?" They are still in summer after defeating Voldemort and got a lot of free time.

Ron quipped to Hermione, "So how do you want this? All cliché separately or intertwined?".

"I got some idea for this chapter, tell me what you guys think", Harry interrupted them and started typing on Hermione's computer.

 _Giant squid was very lonely. After the war, it had seen many dead bodies falling on castle ground and some had fallen into the lake it lived in. Giant squad couldn't shake the nightmares. He kept seeing the battle of Hogwarts in his nightmares over and over and cried._

 _In his loneliness, he had only one companion. Pidwidgeon the owl._

 _Pidwigon the owl had been flying freely when she first heard the squid screaming. Though the authors don't know why the owl is suddenly female, or how the screams were heard from under the water but nevertheless the author continues._

 _Pidwigeon had flown near the surface of the lake, close enough to touch the squid's soft hair. Squid hugged her tight, kissed her on her beak with passion, refusing to let go of the one comfort he had. She did the same and fell asleep with him._

 _However in doing so, she drowned when the ginant squid turned, taking her in water with him. The giant squid had fallen into even worse depression since._

"Blimey! How do you make that up?" Ron turned away, trying hard not to imagine any of what Harry had written.

The author partially wishes this was a joke, the author has seen ridiculous fanfictions of depressed characters with similar backstories and wishes he could unread them.

Hermione furiously counted on her fingers as she read Harry's chapter. "Bad spelling- Check, Ridiculous hookup- Check, outrageous depression backstory- Check, OOC and romantic partner left to go."

Harry recalled their last chapter. "Hey, Ron proposed to Lavender in our last chapter. How about we take that up again?". "No Harry. Let's just go with lamb powers that you wrote about", Ron hastily interjected.

Ron was looking shifty. He had a feeling Hermione didn't like that Lavender bit. Things had gone sour with him and Lavender in real life and he didn't want Hermione's birds attacking again.

Hermione who wanted some control over story pulled the laptop towards her. "Alright. I will turn on voice input and just narrate the lamb power portion". Ron, who didn't know what voice input was, looked astonished as laptop began writing after Hermione's voice. He thought muggles had magic too.

 _Without proper transition, Harry was in Godrick's hallows to commemorate his parents death. He looked upwards at the night sky to serene moon that looked upon everyone. The deer's shape on moon was particularly interesting. It seemed to have come to life. It had come to life._

 _A fire breathing dragon was descending on earth and he had nowhere to run. "Run!, screamed Charlie Weasley even though he was believed to have gone back to Romania. Suddenly Harry knew what to do, run! He owed Charlie his life for that advice._

 _Dragon turned towards Charlie who held a lamb in his hands on a broomstick. Dragon burned the lamb ate it and was gone._

"Urm.. Opening was cliché as hell alright. So how did I get lamb powers here? Wasn't I supposed to get lamb powers?" Harry wondered. "Don't you see?" Hermione answered. "I am including life saving plot and suddenly slow Harry."

"But Charlie just shouted RUN! How's that saving life? Besides, I have excellent reflexes, outwitted a dragon in Triwizard tournament, dodged many bludgers in Quidditch matches but here I am an idiot who had to be reminded to run when a big dragon approached me?"

"That's the point. Most authors can't bother to come up with exciting adventure plot. So they use this kind of device to trick their readers into thinking their story is adventure. This life saving incident can be a buildup of romance between Charlie/Harry or Dark Harry or even Harry Harem."

Neither Harry not Ron could imagine any of that happening but decided not to annoy Hermione when she was on a roll. "You want onion rings?" "Sure, mate" Harry and Ron were gone and Hermione narrated to voice input.

 _After being miraculesly "Saved" by the hot, muscular Weasley whose butt was round, shapely and tempted Harry the way no man had tempted before. Not even Draco Malfoy, even though in canon, Harry is straight and Draco tries to kill him and Dumbledore many times._

 _To continue the story, Harry envisioned Charlie naked. His tall, tanned, muscular physique made him feel oddly tingley in places he felt ashamed to describe. He had to get Charlie in bed with him, even though Charlie was Ginny's brother and that would be disgusting._

 _Devoid of logic, Harry approached Charlie at a pub in Godrik's Hello. They were very drunk and started playing spin the bottle._

 _"Hey you're Charlie's friend right? Have a scotch. My name is Sushant", a brown boy said to Harry. Author decided to suddenly invent few friends to propel the plot. They may or may not appear later since current authors are, like many fanfiction authors, making up things as they go along._

 _Harry was quite drunk and he had made out with many boys and girls playing spin the bottle._

 _He was hot and bothered but still he couldn't get a chance to kiss Charlie. Devastated he started crying and left the pub._

 _When he reached the burrow, even though he has no reason to, since he would be living in Grimmauld Place, he found Charlie drinking in the kitchen._

 _The author decided it was midnight, doing so, none of the weasleys would get in their way._

 _"Charles, why aren't you at the pub", Harry asked timidly, looking at Charlie's junk hungrily. James and Lily had not lived long enough to teach Harry manners or subtlety._

 _"Because I couldn't stand watching you making out with all those people. How could you? After I saved your life? Charlie started sobbing. His parents HAD taught him not to stare at private parts so he kept his head down._

 _"Shh… There is only one man I wanted to make out with", Harry said. Without any further conversation, Charlie and harry ripped off each other's clothes and shagged._

 _Point of this chapter was supposed to be lamb power but to represent many fanfiction authors, the present author chose to write a mediorcre hookup story over plot._

Hmph. Hermione had clubbed the OOC Harry and threw in a random hookup to represent most fanfiction stories. She had understood from reading fanfictions that the community in general is not very subtle about love and attraction.

She uploaded the story, shut the laptop and left, knowing neither Ron nor Harry would least approve of what she had written. Hermione was true to the fanfiction standards and would convince Harry and Ron to see her way.

 _A/N: Thanks for reading! I will try to get some Fantastic beasts into the story in future._


	3. A damsel in distress

A/N: Thanks for the views! Nobody's leaving reviews yet but no. of visitors are cool!

This chapter is going to contain some Sirius conflict. Author has decided to start with age old pun and plans on throwing a time turner cliché in here. Taking out real frustrations in fanfiction is another gem of some fanfictions. Author plans to make fun of that along with including typos, poor expression, lack of detailing of important event etc. Also fanfiction Newt appears!

Ginny (who wants to resume her relation with Harry), Fred (Who is alive because he is fun) and George arrive to Grimmauld Place and stumble upon Hermione's magic computer. Hooked immediately to stories which Hermione was reading as fanfiction research, they search themselves in fanfiction dot net .

Author can't fathom why he chose to write brackets in above paragraph because the author believes brackets have no place is quality literature and are better left out of one. Author is at times lazy.

As Fred, George and Ginny found various stories the room was immediately filled with, "Whoa Whoa! Look at that, so I and George use Marauder's map, stumble upon Snape and Hermione getting it on."

"Oh no! I get really depressed after Harry breaks up with me and Draco comforts me in shower… That sucks"

"Hermione/Harry/ any freaking character whether canon or made up goes back in time and tried to kill Tom Riddle only to fall in love with him instead… Wicked!"

"People really don't like Ron, huh. What has our brother done to them I wonder"

"Ooh, another one! So Hermione and Draco get appointed as Head boy and girl and get to know each other in a lavish bath which they share"

"Why do they show male female prefects or Headboy and girl sharing a dorm? In fact prefects have to stay with their house to maintain discipline… And Hogwarts is very traditional about dormitories"

"That's not fair Ginny, prefects could use prefect's bath to meet their crush" George winked.

"And have any prefect walk in on you? I doubt it" Ginny had in fact tried to use prefect bath for canoodling after Dean Thomas got the password from Ron when he was a Prefect. It hadn't gone well.

"How do they know so much about us?" Fred thought.

"Oh some woman called JK Rowling wrote about us and got rich and famous. Also, she killed you off for emotional effect. Dad told me", George provided helpfully.

As Ginny switched tab, she found Hermione's latest entry in Chapter 2. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo" She yelped after reading about Charlie and Harry doing it.

"I'd rather they paired Charlie and some weird dragon! Is this what Harry wants? That's why he broke up with me?" Ginny started to take out her wand, probably prepared to use some new jinxes on him.

Ron and Harry walked in that very moment because author thinks this could be funny. Ginny turned on him with her eyes fiercest he had seen.

"Oh Harry, how could you? Augamenti!" She thought waterboarding him was the way to go when Ron raised his wand. "No! Give him a chance to explain. Protego" The thin shield stopped the water and Harry started to gasp.

"Are you that mad at me for leaving you? I was out fighting Voldemort" He yelled as soon as he could breathe. Harry and Ron of course have no clue what Hermione has done. Fred and George looked at each other and quipped wickedly, "You should reaaaallly see this mate! I think you'll like it. You have been paired with a red headed sexy beauty".

Not trusting the twins or their tone, Harry and Ron creeped towards laptop apprehensively, got to the second part of previous chapter and they all heard "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo" Followed by Harry's "I swear Ginny, I have never! I don't know what this is.. Oh Hermione is so in trouble!" He started typing to vent his anger.

 _It was night time. Hermione had gone to bed after wanking to metal image of Viktor Crum. His sexy lean body, muscles he apparently developed from sitting on broom for prolonged period of time. Then she found time turner._

"I thought the ministry took that thing back and we destroyed it in a raid. Also how do you jump from Krum to time turner?" Ron looked worried at Harry's zeal. "Shhh… not now" Harry ignored the voice of logic as the author has seen many writers do. The alternative is assuming they have no voice of logic in their mind, which just seems rude.

 _Hermione was in fact crying a lot and had suddenly become hundred times weaker. She needed protecting by a male character author was trying to pair her with. He would also be a shoulder for her to cry on. Even though doing so would be out of character with Hermione who tends to adamantly study her way out of things._

The real author has chosen the twilight route he has seen over and over. It is hard creating two strong characters meeting and falling in love, so he will have a weak lamb falling for her protector. But author will make sure to call the weak character strong a few times in dialogue to fool the readers.

 _So Hermione was crying when she cryingly found a time turner. What better way to undo the past than trying to change it? Give Voldemort one more chance to atone for his crimes and while she's at it, prevent Harry's parent's death? She decided to go all the way back to before she was born. No. That would be silly, she thought. Maybe just a little, in seventh year. She turned to clock clockwise and then counter clockwise and she was gone._

 _Students were coming to Hogwarts after summer break. She spied on them throughout the feast._

 _"Everyone! Welcome and welcome back", Dumbledore chimed. He appeared quite drunk._

Writing the sorting ceremony should be done in lovely detail but this is a fanfiction parody so author goes straight to blatant foreshadowing.

So to sum up, Dumbledore was drunk, so was everyone on staff table, they told children to break every rule or face detention and winked at the hat. The hat randomly assigned houses. None of the students did anything interesting.

 _"Welcome the American exchange student, Clarabella Donatelli. Despite her Italian name, she is French as well as American. Hermione Granger will represent Hogwarts at Ilvermorny School USA" Clarabella was the perfect Mary Sue. She wore low cut uniform despite Hogwart's uniform being a conservative robe. Her cleavavge was just pretty instead of slutty. Her legs were long and tanned. She defied school rules and rocked her simple elegant attire of low cut top, designer skirt, casual shoes. Her teeth were perfect, her hair was shoulder length and deep purple and her eyes changed color because she was a metamorphmagus. Mary Sue Clarabella was the perfectly effortless beauty. She didn't have to make any effort to be in shape or for having a smooth skin. She was just born that way._

 _"Hi all. So nice to be here. I am Clarabella Minerva Maxime Donatelli. My father is a big influencial wizard in MACUSA and I am just perfect", She chimed._ Chime is the word of the chapter here, Harry decided.

 _Time turner Hermione was so incaptivated by Clarabella that she just kept turning the time turner further and further back. She was shocked to find herself in America hundred years ago in middle of World war 2._

 _This is astonishing because world war 2 came much later but Hogwarts doesn't teach muggle history so Hermione assumes it is world war 2 as it is the only muggle war she has heard of._

 _She knew she had to hide. She cryingly chimed at the sky. She had walked from one nightmare into another. She called for Viktor whom the author remembered just now and she decided to call for him crying._

 _"Viktor… Oh my Vicky Vicky Krum! Help me please. It's so dark and I am scared" but there was no response as Viktor wasn't born yet. Also he would be in Bulgaria even if he was. Viktor was no nice. He hated how much people loved him. He hated how rich he was. Even though he was young, he wanted to settle down while ignoring horde of attractive charming women who wanted him in true gentlemanly fashion._

 _Hermione cried more while lying on forest floor. She fell asleep. "The night is dark and full of terror" The red woman chimed loudly. "The night is dark and full of terror" again. "Yes, we freaking know already" Crowd yelled back. They started stampeding the red women for saying the same thing again and again and wasting their time. Then they killed her saying "Valar Morghulis"_

The sudden game of thrones dream may be due to author's sleep depravation. He apologizes, not very sincerely.

 _Her shoulders seemed warm. Her whole body was suddenly filled with warmth as he held her. She hugged the source of warmth, not least bit worried that some stranger had lifted her up from a forest where she was lying alone. She just knew. This wasn't a rapist or murderer._

 _Newt's abs rippled as he scooped Hermione and walked easily to his briefcase._

 _"Who are you?" She chimed from the bed. He had put her on bed and author did not have courtesy to inform the readers._

 _"I am Newt Scamander. Years later children are going to read my books. I keep animals in my bag in close proximity to one another, show magic to a muggle. Yet neither PETA nor MACUSA stops me. JK Rowling has started writing about my adventures so suddenly I am going to be a cool guy. Maybe I will even fight Grindelwald because I am now a main character"_

 _She could only stare because she was offended. She was the main character. she thought until he spoke again._

 _"I wish girls would stop staring at my hot body. I get hit on a lot because girls very shallow. I am also very rich but I just want to be normal. Are you comfortable? Should I get you warm soup?", He chimed all this very quickly because author has to include Dramione or Snapmione to get back for Charrary. Go figure._

 _Hermione too was overcome by Newt's abs, sexy talk and put her head on his shoulder. Her hands on his toned abdoment. Doing so her boobs touched his arms and head brushed against front of his pants._

Ron decided it was enough. "mate, that body positioning is literally impossible! Not even if you were a bloody gymnast! Let it go and give me the computer" but Harry would not stop. He was overcome by summit fever.

 _"Look Grill, you are very beautiful but I am not good enough for you. I could hurt you because I am very big. I have hurt every woman I have slept with" "No Mr. Scamander. My boyfriend Viktor is also very big and he never hurt me. I miss him but he isn't born yet. I see him in you so I want…. I want…."_

 _Teir breaths came together now. New didn't wait for more as he touched hermione's big boobs making her scream his name._

"Is that how they write sex scenes? Seems rather odd, doesn't it" Ginny said biting on a pencil.

Fred, George, Ron and Harry felt surprised at Ginny having an opinion on sex scene. Harry wondered what she had done with Dean Thomas but stopped himself. "Mate, let us take over now. We will do a good job, just like a real fanfiction", Fred and George offered.

"This has gone wayyy off the track, you think we should go back and tie everything together?" Harry wondered. His desire to take revenge was replaced by wondering. Was Ginny seeing anyone? He suddenly didn't care about the fanfiction anymore. He was distracted when she spoke, "Don't be silly. Hermione's research notes say you only have to write write write and then in the last chapter tie it all. So we have to tie, lamb power, a dragon, a Mary Sue, a time turner incident which may or may not involve Grindelwald and a few other things. Maybe we will have fanfiction Harry apologize to fanfiction Ginny", Ginny said with a knowing look.

"You know, Now that the danger is gone, I would very much like to date you again. Ginny Weasley, will you take me back?", real Harry had been thinking about getting back together with Ginny for a while now and decided to go for it. Ginny was pretty, popular and a Quidditch player. She won't be single for a long time if he didn't try.

"Of course silly. Don't listen to Ron. If he tries anything, I will hex him", Ginny too was wondering what Harry's plans were. He was a war hero who vanquished Voldemort. He could choose anyone. Grinning, she offered Harry her hand and he took it happily, walking away from everyone.


	4. Diagon Alley

A/N: I might be coming down hard on some fanfictions but that's what parodies do. Feel free to ignore what anyone says and write what you want lol.

The real Hermione was out meeting professor McGonagall to discuss beginning of school and what all help she could provide the staff. She would be going back to school to finish N.E.W.T. She also planned to help library restoration and assist teaching first years in Transfiguration. Hogwarts was severely understaffed after war. She would of course be taking N.E.W.T. of her own as well. She refused to change her original ambition and determined to fit everything in her schedule.

Meanwhile real Harry had taken revenge for inaccurately pairing fanfiction version of himself with Charlie. He made fanfiction version of her weak and stupid, as well as pairing her with the deceased author of their textbook. It was all in good fun.

Fred and George offered to write the last portion of summer's chapter.

"Right. So We got plenty of summer stories done. Whenever you need full cast ensemble, just get them together for Christmas or Easter." Fred was thinking out loud.

"How about in this chapter, fanfiction all of you go to Diagon Alley for school shopping. We could have obligatory Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes visit, run in with Hagrid or Draco, and some ancient magic secret being revealed to Harry by Ollivander or something" with just that much thought, George decided story in his head. Fred was summing up. "WWW is our cheap comic relief. Hagrid or Draco to prove we haven't forgotten the books and maybe ancient power because we in fact **had** forgotten about powers claimed in our own fanfiction and George, be sure to include typos as if you never learned how to spell". He started typing.

 _Harry was meeting Ron and Ginny for school shopping in Diagon Alley. Ginny would be going to school soon. Even though Harry, Ron and Hermione were all offered internships at the ministty. Hermione was still stick in history with Newt so trip was just for Ginny._

 _Ginny was taking Advanced Transfiguration, Advanced potions, Charms, Herbology, Defence against the dark arts and Runes. She needed textbooks, potion supplies, new shoes and reference material for runes in addition to the textbook. That meant waiting in crowded lines in Fourish and Botts, Potion store, Madam Perrywhite's all occasion shoe store._

 _This year Diagon Alley was packed with families preparing for school and the crowd was buzzing with greetings of people meeting up after long and painful time. Billboards on shops were repaired and restored to full glory. You could see flashing logos of Madam Malkins Robes for all occasion, Flourish and Botts book supplies and of course the biggest and best of all, Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes, special discounts on Cougar noise pasties, sneeze powder and neon teeth whitners..._ " **STOP STOP STOP!,** first of all, no advertising on our fanfiction. I appreciate the typos but you're being too articulate, Georgie. Stop setting the stage for your scenes and jump straight from one point of story to another without any prelude. In fanfiction, we only do detailing for romantic dates, Clothes or sex scenes. Remember, most fanfiction writes are not aware there might be more important things to think about." Ginny explained as Ron nodded in support.

 _Jumping from previous apparently high quality scene, Devoid of logic, the fanfiction trio went to book shopping first, preferring to drag heavy books everywhere as they did other shopping._

 _First stop was flourishing Butts. They werre famous for books. "Here you go", said the clerk as he handed her six heavy books. She had huge butt as it was required for the shop helps to have big butt. There were very cute store assistants wearing short plaid skirt and white shirts with cleavage showing, with knee high boots. Shop owner for school supplies had kinky fantasies._

 _Fanfiction Ginny went to Madam Malkins. She bought school dress and a private dress which can only be described as nighty. It was similar to what George had seen his ex girlfriend Alicia wear one night. She had accidentally walked to common room late at night thinking it was empty. The dress was a black sheer babydoll that split from midriff to show sequin laced black satin knickers. What she planned to do with the dress with Harry away was a mystery. She also bought high hells and devil horns. Sexy devil horns._

"How did you find out about that nightie?" Harry blurted only to find Ginny glaring at him. George was eerily accurate about detailing of the said dress and it only meant one thing.

"Sorry mate, we had to hide in her closet once when mum was looking for help in cleaning the garden. We didn't plan on telling anyone so if you had kept your trap shut… " Fred's eyes had devilish twinkle at Harry's burning red face. He was blushing more furiously than his girlfriend. Ginny had turned her glare on Ron who started to cast a curse.

 _"Tarantallegra!" "Expelliarmus!"_ Ron and Harry cast at once. Ron's wand flew out of his hand and Harry started dancing like a madman. "Stop it you two! Finite incantetum!" Ginny moved between them with wand in her hand and her eyes blazing. Harry and Ron both backed away from her, for right reasons too. Ginny had picked up a lot more than Bat bogey hex. Her current favourite spell was Flipendo which flipped people backwards. Nobody wanted to get on bad side of her temper.

"Listen Ronald, for the last time, Harry and I love each other and what we do is none of your business. I am Fred and George's little sister too but you don't see them being pricks about this" she gestured at the twins. "Don't look at us Ickle Ronniekins" Fred looked cheerful. "Yeah Roonie, we're just happy you didn't get flipped." George's mock sincere tone deceived no one.

"So you two love each other now?" Ron was bewildered and befuddled at the idea. Harry decided it was safe to move close to Ginny now. "Yeah mate. I told you the stupid noble reason to break up with her. I wanted this more than anything". Harry meant every word he said.

"So now that unicorn is out of the forest, let's get back to the story. George, why don't I write about portion of our store? I will avoid adverbs, won't the scene and avoid common sense at all costs. I liked what you did with Flourishing butt. Let me see what else I can do with our shops"

 _After Ginny's trashy robe shopping, they went to Weasleys Wizaring veeses for a visit. Fred was sporting an orange jedi robe with hood. The hood had glitter sprinkler on it. Fred touched his hat as pretty girl passed near him. Suddenly her clothing was removed and she was covered in grey glitter._

 _"Yay I am a stripper!" She went on a pole and started spinning. Fanfiction Fred, or was he George, joinded the ranks of perverts._

 _Next stop was Ollivanders whose existence many fanfiction authors don't acknowledge so we will take a cue from them._

 _"Let's go back to flourishing butts. I want to look at cute shop helps in short short skirts." Ron was really horny for short skirted, big butted shop assistants. They went back because Harry also wanted to look at butts.  
"WWOOOOWWW", there were all kinds of butts, round and firm, bouncing up and down, curved and in different colors. Harry and Rons were perverts. Very shallow perverts. "Looking for what you can't get losers?" a voice drawled near them. They looked into thin face of Draco Malfoy. Malfoy never spoke. He always drawled. "What do you mean, ferret?" Ron couldn't come up with anything better._

 _"These girls work as maids in my manor now. I have even kinkier clothing for them in mind". Malfoy drawled again. Although Malfoy is unpleasant, he never really showed perverted tendencies. But fanfiction authors must think all men are perverted and want to objectify women._

 _Without any prelude, "Hurray! Butt pictures on sale! DISCOUNT DISCOUNT!" a butt girl yelled, posing with a pretty brunette. Pervert shop owner had decided to give student discount on soft pornographic pictures of his sales reps. He really wanted to boost his profits._

"You're pretty hard on men in this chapter. I'm a little offended" Harry observed frowning at the behavior of his fanfiction self. "I should hope so. Most writers show blokes focusing on girl's assets and girls going only after muscular blokes. Fanfiction community overall doesn't have a good opinion of humans", Fred Shrugged.

"Okay blokes, and lady, Diagon alley part is written. Why don't you start with a family dinner with all of us, foreshadowing of future chapters tomorrow? Your fanfiction selves can then go to Hogwarts." George got up ready to go.

" We forgot to give you ancient power after all but don't worry. That's normal in fanfiction to not deliver what was foreshadowed... See you Harry. Do stop by at the store. There are some very cute Pygmy puffs Ginny likes", Fred winked at him.

Just like that Fred and George were gone. "You know Hermione isn't back yet" Ron looked worried." Harry thought it would be very unlikely Hermione will leave library restoration anytime soon. She probably started reading _Sites of Historical Sorcery_ halfway. "Yeah but McGonagall and others are there with. She'll be fine. Let's get dinner".

They proceeded to head downstairs to eat Kreature's Pork chops and potatoes.


	5. Lord Newt Scamander

A/N: I got some more Newtmione for you! Spellcheck is in progress. I wanted to post this rather than waiting for perfection. Somehow errors are easy to spot in preview mode. Weird!

It was in the early morning real Hermione returned to Grimmauld Place. She had dust in her hair and her shirt was filthy. But she had repaired and shelved entire section on Magical Maladies, fixed fallen store cupboards in the kitchen, helped with enforcing anti apparition and anti flying enchantments on the castle and was quite pleased with herself. She walked to her guest room while Harry, Ron and Ginny slept. She hopped into a shower to get the grim off. Author has to pummel more fanfiction cliché so he will not describe what Hermione did in the bath. He imagines she took a shower just like a normal person and walked downstairs for breakfast.

"Would miss like Eggs Benedict?" Kreature asked as he busied himself with sauce . "Sure Kreature. Thank you. Isn't Sunday your holiday?" She wondered if he finally accepted Dobby's way of living. "No miss. Guests come on weekends. Kreature takes Tuesday evenings off", the old elf frowned at the idea. Ah well. She will take what she can get. Besides, she **is** hungry.

Eating her Eggs Benedict with relish, Hermione opened her laptop and checked the progress peacefully.

"Mornin' M'ione. When d'you get back" Ron stifled a yawn as he sat down for breakfast. He was soon joined by Harry and Ginny. "I was working two days straight. The castle is still in mess in some places. The foundation and the critical area was rebuilt by emergency team from the ministry. We're on our own for the kitchen, the lavatories, the stores, dorms... You get the idea." She really did look tired. They immediately felt ashamed. While she worked hard for rebuilding, they were killing time with fanfictions. "Blimey M'ione. We just don't know anything about rebuilding…" Ginny hesitantly began.

"No need to worry. I could use a break anyway. By the way, terrific job on the fanfiction! I'm so proud of you all. Considering I wasn't there to write it for you, You know. But it's just perfect with the fanfiction standards." She beamed.

"Thanks. We did everything your notebook said. Inconsistent timelines, typos, Mary Sue, bad romance, and get this. Our title was _Superpowers Awaken: Magic of the lamb_ and four chapters later we still haven't started awakening those." Ron grinned. Happy to have Hermione being happy with something they wrote.

"I see that. You turned me into a poor damsel who needs help to walk, you got the time turner incident... By the way, bonus points for leaving open ends to our subplots! Whatever you do, DO NOT reread the story and try to complete them. I'm sure you're not allowed to do that. Also, the writing style and POV can go back and forth in between the story at any time" She again had that determined, bright look on her face.

"Oh just let me write this one. Kreature, can I have some of those scallops after you're done? Thank you" Hermione finished her tea and started typing away.

 _Herrmiown found herself irresistibly attrackted to Newt after he left her sore and fulfilled in the morning. He was nowhere to be seen. She decided to get up and follow him. How she plans on doing that since she can't see him is a mystery. Author assumes the answer is Maggic! As she came towards entryway, a Bouquet of Roses, lilies and Hyacinth caught her eye. A note was attached to them._

"SORRY SORRY! I used adverbs and I built up the scene. " She exclaimed frantically to no one in particular. Shook her head as if to banish the logic and continued.

 _"Dear girl,_

 _Last night was the best night of my life._

 _I don't even know your name but I feel closer to you than anyone else. Even though you could be an escape from Azkaban from all I know. I don't care because you warm my heart and set my blood on fire_

 _Love_

 _Your one night stand"_

 _Hermione felt her eyes tear up. Ron was such a jerk to her when Viktor had found her. And now she had cheated on him with Newt. Gorgeous, tall muscular Newt. Even though Viktor was also Gorgeous, tall and muscular. Hermione too was shallow as a puddle. A very shallow puddle._

 _She tearfully gazed out into the lovely grass field and clear blue sky. She could hear sound of a river nearby. She stood up and looked down. "I have nothing to wear. "She stopped her moral conundrum about Viktor and thought about crisis more important than love, **clothes**. Because that's how girls are. She was still in Hogwarts school robes. _

_Ladies in 1900 were still protesting for more education and career rights. Hermione's robes should have caused alarm to Newt when he met her but the author will overlook the fact and continue._

"Was that last line aimed at me?" Harry looked sheepishly at Hermione. She nodded absentmindedly and continued. "I'm having Newt be freakishly rich and a lord because most fanfiction author show romantic interests as rich as Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. Everyone is a nobility too. They think girls never go for smart, skinny middle class blokes. Let me focus now"

 _She whipped her wand out and transfigured the robes into a fitted blush dress with long lace sleeves. Diciding her hair was too boring, she waved her wand and her hair came into a wavy French braid on her shoulder. The dress accented her slender form, square neckline wide enough to be slightly bold. After freshening her skin into a no makeup makeup glow, she climbed the wooden steps._

 _A large stone castle stood before her. Spring flowers blooming in the garden. Newt stood before her in morning coat, smiling. Her random one night stand crossed over into Disney romance. "I was waiting for you to wake up, lovely lady" he smiled down at her. "umm.. Good morning" She stammered. In Bella Swan's imitation, tripped immediately over a… flower petal. Of course he caught her._

"Wow. Mocking your fanfiction self? Thought you'd be mad at how weak or foolish you are portrayed. And what happened to not giving detailed descriptions of anything?" Ron arched his brows after reading. "Details about dresses, shoes and whatever eleven year old girls fancy are exceptions. As for my character image, I am doing this objectively, Ron. Fanfiction main characters are **supposed** to be this one dimentional. At least until you choose to do a 180 and flip them around as someone else. " She responded mechanically.

 _"This is my childhood home. Would you join me for a traditional English Breakfast with my family, love?" Newt's eyes smolderd and she found herself blushing. "Hermione, my name is Hermione Granger and yes", she stammered out. "You have made me the happiest man alive. My servants will be here soon to plant lilies for you. We should get inside"_

 _A giant foyer with diamond ceiling met her. Being a sole heir even though he had older brother, Newt did not have to share his room with an annoying sibling. Newt's castle was huge and he had his own bedroom with bath._

Hermione casually put in 'traditional English breakfast' in there. A british man in early 1900 would probably call it 'breakfast'. Also let's see how far the youthful author's imagination stretches about what living in castle is like. The below portion is influenced by some stories the author has sadly read.

 _As Newt led her to her wing of the castle, she admired paintings of Newt's family. "That's my grandfather. Lord Hewitt Scamander. That's Lady Andrea." Newt casually remarked. He was a nobleman? "This is your wing. It's not much but the bigger guest suites are being renovated right now. Everything in there is yours" He opened the French doors wide. A king sized bed covered with floral sheets and soft pillows was waiting for her. Nightstands were made of cherry. Inside the mahogany dresser on the side, there were undergarments, laces, bows and socks made of pure satin. The closet was a room in itself. Hundreds of dresses, thousands of skirts and shoes were waiting for her. She touched the fabrics embellished with pearls, ribbons and beads as she looked around taking it all in._

Readers are not allowed to ask where the hundreds and thousands of dresses came from as Newt met Hermione last night.

 _In the bathroom, a big two person Jacuzzi was waiting just for her as candles were lit everywhere even though Jacuzzi was a recent muggle invention. "Wow. This is like so romantic!"She batted her eyelashes at Newt."Give me a minute to change". Newt sat down on an upholstered chair to the window. Hermione wondered what to put on. Remembering conversations with Ginny, she chose a black lacy bra top that only covered half of her breasts and a pink Victoria's secret thong. Newt did not blink as she stepped out from dressing room with the sexy attire, high heels and wavy curls falling on her shoulders. "Want to join me in the Jacuzzi, Lord Scamander?" she chirped._

"Okay. That covers the illogical, slightly American romance for the chapter. Now you two can write about Ginny's school year and don't mention the fanfiction me at all. Let's keep that for our next ridiculous reveal.

Also, we need every male character in the story to be Lords and have huge properties. Women act as dumb and helpless as possible but men love them anyway. We also have a random flashback to cover. Harry, we are keeping that for your equally random lamb powers. All clear?" she commanded bossily as they all nodded. Nobody dared to contradict Hermione when she had done her research. She always does her research.


	6. About Ron and the dark past of Mary Sue

"Alright!", Hermione turned to face Ron and Harry rather bossily. "We're still low on wish fulfilment romance count. Only I got to date a rich lord. The next romance should be about one of you. So here's the difference between a boy centered romance vs girl centered romance.

When romance protagonist is a female, the male is often her _Knight in shining armor_. He pursues her and rescues her. Mainly from over the top abusive male she is dating. He will also be very committed to her before he even asks her on a date. He will choose her over his career and family member all the time. Within few months, he will also, propose. He wants to do everything to make her happy and has no needs of his own. He has so much free time one would assume he doesn't have a job. Yet he nearly always pays for a lavish wedding, shopping, Dates in French restaurants, Holidays, gorgeous wedding dress… etc etc. You get the idea."She read off very fast and raised her eyebrows at Ron and Harry, who were looking unsure. "Urm…. so the bloke has to be incredibly rich, handsome and commit to the girl immediately?" Ron started tentatively.

"Oh yes! The rules of fanfiction are quite explicit about that." Hermione said absentmindedly, looking through her notes. "Here it is! The boy romance!" She started to recite her notes, which were significantly smaller than previous one. "When romance protagonist is male, he is paired with multiple females, mostly canon. The ladies, note the plural, will be incredibly pretty, kind to him, sexually forward, emphatic about not wanting to pressure the said male into commitment. If they date other boys, they will act apologetic even though the lead guy is clearly getting action from many others. This romance may or may not include Harem, where only sexual relations between all characters are featured. Seems kinda ironic, doesn't it?" She added, looking mildly amused.

Author is yet to meet the knight in shining armor in real life. He also hasn't seen a horde of pretty, intelligent, kind, sexually forward ladies befriending and chasing a single guy in real life. Fanfiction authors can paint a very rosy wish fulfilment fantasy by borrowing characters from many universes making them all talk and behave alike. Author thinks doing this kills the very essence of the characters as they get molded into aforementioned stereotypes. Author didn't fail literature classes in school. He got an A and doesn't adore the butchery.

Harry was having other thoughts. "Hey Hermione, can we do this male romance thing for Ron's character? You know how upset Ginny was when she saw that Charlie-me, I mean fanfiction Charlie and fanfiction me thing?" Harry felt flustered, confusing the fanfictiom him with the real him. Beads of sweats were forming on his forehead at the memory. Ron was having similar thoughts. Or not. He just wanted his fanfiction self to get laid. After getting green signal from Hermione, Ron started writing.

 _In Hagwarts 7th year, Luna Lovegood, Parvati and Padma Patil were gossiping. "Can you believe Ron like proposed to Lavander" Padma started the topic. "I know right? Wasn't he like your date to Yull Ball all those years back?" Parvati encouraged her. "You think she's for real? I mean he left her for Granger and she still like wants him? Like he's famous and all"._ The author had decided to write this portion using the word _like_ a lot. So imagine pre teens talking love in a very American accent, maybe from valley. _The characters who were very child like continued. "I know right! But I still waaaant him." Padma whined. "You should like totally go for it. He probably doesn't even love her". Luna said cattily to her housemate. "He like totally checked you out the other day. He looked at you for like full two seconds. What more d'you need?" Parvati took her arm and started pulling her twin towards Gryffindor common room._

 _"Hey Ron!" Parvati greeted cheerfully as Padma hissed "What're you doing? Lemme go. T's stupid!"_

 _Ron remembered he was a shallow creep. He immediately pointed his eyes to their chest area. Both Parvati and Padma had very ample breasts. Magical education must be boring. Therefore, boys in his dorm fantasized with each other about the twin girls. "Hey Parvati. Good to see you Padma" Ron said politely still looking at the pair's breasts. Padma then remembered she had to act childlike. "Whatever" She huffed and turned away. Ron was puzzled but turned his eyes on her butt. "How have you been Padma?" He tried again even though he didn't have to just so he could keep looking. "Just shut up and mind your own business" what was she doing? She liked this boy and yet she couldn't be cool._

 _All weasley family gathered for Thanksgiving dinner. "Padma, come with me to the field" Ron said to her. Her boddy felt odlly light, as if butterflied filled her stomach. She couldn't do that, not while he was engaged to Lavender. But desired took control of her whole being as he touched her in front of his family. Fred and George totally did not try to make fun of this display. Ginny didn't scoff. Bill and Charlie weren't horrified at all. Mum wasn't even mad and Lavender wasn't there. Instead, they all decided to erupt into cheer. With a flick of wand, Arthur transformed everyone's costume into cheerleading uniform. They all remembered they were in a perv fantasy story. "Go Ron! We cheer for you!" They started dancing with POM POMS! Ron and Padma ran into the Barn to leave his cheerleading family behind. They proceeded to shag multiple times._

"What in the name of Merlin! Did you leap from Hogwarts to The Burrow randomly? Good job!" Hermione cheered. Ron looked proud. "I know we have to avoid build ups and transitions and I thought.. how about a random Thanksgiving at Weasley house. Plus I totally took inspiration from countless fanfictions about the creepy behaviour of fanfiction me" Hermione nodded vigorously. "Very impressive! Especially the cheerleading"

"Well, I just couldn't imagine what my family would do if I started acting like that. Mum would probably kill me. Dad and Bill would give me the talk. The rest would laugh to death" Ron admitted sheepishly. At that moment, there was a pop at the door. Harry went to get it. "Ginny!" He hugged her and they both got back into kitchen for dinner. Putting laptop aside, they feasted on Kreature's French onion soup, Ham sandwiches and Potatoes.

In Grimmauld place, Ron couldn't sleep. He came down to the kitchen, lighted a lamp with his wand and took out Hermione's laptop. Since he couldn't sleep, he decided to give the story another shot. He opened Hermione's notepad and read the notes on "Mary Sue". The note said "Mary Sue is essentially omniscient and far too often, omnipotent. Feel free to give her any previously known or entirely made up magical abilities. Dark past optional but highly recommended. Exaggerate any and everything 100000% to the point it becomes ridiculous even to the dumbest of reader" Ron didn't know what omniscient or omnipotent meant but he understood the rest. That would do.

 _Hermione was getting lucky with Lord Scamamder in the past. Meanwhile in Hogwarts, Clarabella Donnatelli was trying desperately to enjoy her stay at Hogwarts. Yet she couldn't bring herself to truly enjoy anything. How could she when she was trying to hide the essence of who she was?_

 _Clarabella's perfect heart shaped face, lush lips and Purple hair were attracting nearly all the boys. But she had refused them all, instead choosing the company of a red headed boy she found most intriguing. His flaming red hair, tall physique was handsome. She really liked how careful he was to never hurt her feelings. He put her first, always thinking of her. Going out of his way to make sure she was comfortable. In Quidditch matches, he killed first years to make space for her to sit. He never ate without her even if he was hungry and accompanied her wherever she went to carry her stuff. She would never survive without him._

"Accio mead!" a voice made him turn, thoroughly startled. "Ha! Are you writing about yourself, prat?" Ginny scoffed and read over his shoulder causing Ron frown. "Since when were you…. What's that? Handsome, sensitive and I wanna say gentlemanly but men don't kill to get their girlfriends seats in Quidditch matches". It just caused Ron to frown further. "Well. I just popped by to see Harry again when mum was asleep."She explained clutching a bottle of light mead. He didn't even look up as she rolled her eyes and climbed the stairs towards bedrooms.

 _She wanted to forget all about her past. How her brother and his wife were murdered at their own wedding by death eaters. Even though death eaters were mainly active in Britain and she was in America. They came only for her family. She really was that special. After all, not everyone had the curse of a gifted family. Her father was a gifted legilimens. Her mother a gifted seer. Her grandparents had been vampires who were also gifted, though what gifted vampires have anything to do with this is a mystery. But author just can't stress enough how gifted the family was. Her brother was a gifted werewolf curer as well as gifted legilimens. She was the only metamormagus. Or 'morphs' as they were called in the states. Even though 'morphs' sounded like a drug. Yanks are always botching our British spellings. Anyway, Clarabella came from a giftedest of gifted family. Illvhrmony school principal had sent her here for her own protection. Her name wasn't even Clarabella Donatelli. It was Sophia. Sophia Rowena Helga Salazar Godric Hallows. She looked in the mirror. Her hair was long, blonde with light highlights and her eyes were grey. That was how she looked back in the states. But she had changed everything about her when she came to Hogwarts. Nobody could know that she was a princess, the heiress of magical kingdom even though it's a democracy._

 _Even as she looked around, Gellert Grindelwald could be lurking in the corner looking for her. The thought made her cold._


End file.
